Monday, May 11, 2009

Furry ears and a unibrow

Hi Everyone,

I've been meaning to write sooner, but I find there is limited time these days. Unless of course I neglect my children . . . which I am considering.

First off, I wanted to share a unique thing I heard today. In order to truly appreciate it, you must imagine a stressed out mother with a VERY deep southern accent (I'm mean really deep). And I quote, "I like pancakes so much y'all, that I could put them in my bra and carry them around. I mean really y'all."

I'd like to say that put into context, that would have made sense, but alas, it wouldn't have helped at all. This particular friend has a wide variety of colorful sayings ("warn slap out"?!?), but many are not suitable for mixed company.

Things are going relatively well, considering. I caught Addie with a toy drill in her hand, leaning over her sister, and pressing it up against her forehead. When I asked her what she was doing, she said, "I just drill holes Mommy, I just drill holes." Nothing quite like a do-it-yourself lobotomy, right?

Although I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised, considering she has taken to pretend eating the cat. I use the word "pretend" loosely, as she often comes up with kitty hair on her nose and mouth . . .

On that note, our neighbors (the ones who have been trying to coerce Bubbles to come live with them) got a kitten of their own last week. Now I was thinking this might be the end to the Bubble-napping, but no, apparently it just means that Bubbles has been upgraded to her very own room . . . I kid you not.

The mom over there told me with a straight face (albeit, with slightly slurred words, as she'd had several cocktails), that all we needed to do was give Bubbles a bedroom of her own, and she'd be perfectly happy. Huh. Well, that might have been when I reemphasized my feelings about the cat, and might have told her that Bubbles has a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order in the event she is injured.

Now that summer (spring here is as hot as summer anywhere else) is here, we must be mindful of all of the aggressive and poisonous animals/insects/snakes/critters.

We've just discovered a giant fast-as-hell black snake living in our down spout. We think it's non-venomous, but are not 100% sure. But in the event that this guy decides to attack, we're SOL - I think he can run (slither) about 300 mph.

Jeff and I also had the unique experience of having a full-grown copperhead snake try to attack our car. Needless to say, although they might be aggressive, they are no where near as fast as our new neighbor, Mr. Fast-as-hell Black Snake. Thankfully.

On the upside of the aggresive animals that live in the south (is there really an upside?), Alligator hunting season starts soon. Hunting permits can be had for a mear $10. Who knew?

I'm considering getting one. Not because I want to actually kill an alligator, I just think it would be neat to have a stuffed one sitting in our living room. How much do you think it costs to stuff an alligator? Maybe for a few extra bucks, they'd cut cup holders into it (because afterall, everything is so much cooler with a cup holder).

Now that Addie can dress herself, she has also learned the fine art of undressing herself. In addition to the 5+ costume changes she makes daily, she is also experimenting with nudity. Case in point, we had Naked Lunch the other day. My only solace was being able to convince her to wait until we were finished with our walk to start said naked lunch.

In addition to her new found dressing independence, it seems we have a drama queen in the making (I wouldn't have any idea where she gets that, regardless of what my mom might tell you).

The other day Jeff and I watched Addie sit in front of the mirror and practice saying, "stop mommy." Considering I hadn't done or said anything to her to incite this type of thing, we were flabbergasted. She must have said it about 10 times, with different facial expressions and voice inflection each time.

As some of you may know, sometimes baby girl children have breast buds, and can actually produce milk from said buds (I know, I think it's totally weird too). Although the doctor said it was nothing to worry about, what I really want to know is, does this mean she could nurse herself?

Considering I contemplated feeding Lorelei the left-over kitten formula, the whole nursing herself thing isn't such a bad idea . . . Needless to say, I don't love nursing, but am married to the self-appointed La Leche League President.

As several of my more observant readers (remember, I'm a reality TV star, and you are all my adoring fans) quickly pointed out, I forgot to explain the power of Elmo undies. First off, I am only operating on half a brain, so please excuse me. Second, we thought we found the key to potty training Addie, but instead just succeeded in creating a monster.

Jeff thought it might be a good idea to let Addie wear some big girl underwear, and when she had an accident, she'd understand the feeling of needing to pee, and thus potty training would be accomplished.

Well, as it turns out, Addie seems to understand the concept quite well, but just has no interest in sitting on the potty (you should hear the list of treats she'll get IF she ever actually goes to the bathroom on the toilet). To further said underwear efforts, we explained that if she successfully used the potty, she would get some new Elmo underpants. Needless to say, all that did was send her into a screaming crying fit, demanding Elmo underpants. Have I mentioned that 2 1/2 is a rough age?

To date, there are no potty successes to be had. And at this very moment, Addie has regressed and wants to be changed like a baby, instead of using her pull-ups (or in our case, I had been magically turning her diapers into pull-ups. But god forbid you call them diapers or that would start an entirely new fit).

Lest I forget to write about this month's subject:

Addie has started growing a fabulous unibrow, and Lorelei now has nearly braidable length ear hair. I'd like to be able to blame these hairy phenominons on Jeff, but alas, the hairy beasts come from my side of the family (thanks Dad).

Do you think it's too early to start waxing them?

One more thing, I was happy to see that the local chapter of Friends of the NRA meets at the club house in our subdivision.

Take care,